As the weather begins to improve…

There is still occasional ice on the walkway in the mornings, but it is often gone by mid-afternoon. The temperatures continue to bounce between below and above the freezing mark, so the winter jackets and spring sweaters compete for room in the small closet by the door.  I wake up each morning slowly, hearing the world news on NPR coming in brief, headline spurts followed by some but not all full stories. It is enough, I find. I don’t need to hear (or worse, see) the gory details. I cannot fix them. I can only wish.

New Zealand had no reason to expect the violence that occurred this week. But to their credit, they have already banned automatic rifles in its wake. The USA has had multiple such tragedies over the past decades, but we have yet to ban those rifles nationwide.

The starvation in Yemen continues to take the lives of hundreds of children day by day, but we continue to supply arms to our ally, Saudi Arabia, who continues to wage war against that population. We wring our hands, send thoughts and prayers, but don’t retract our contracts for additional weaponry. Nor do we condemn their actions.

President #45 (or, AKA, Individual #1) has submit a budget so punitive to education and other essential agencies that enough Republicans joined with the Democrats to reject it, but enough Republicans continue to support their leader that overriding his VETO is unlikely, and so it may in fact take effect. He also plans to reduce Social Security Benefits, and allow fossil fuel drilling to take place on (formerly) federally protected lands.

The days begin to offer longer hours of light, due to the earth’s orbit around our sun, but the dark clouds of this administration make feeling optimistic a difficult challenge. There is truth in the belief that, when a person is feeling down, helping another lifts both spirits. I’m doing my best to continue doing for others. I’m trying to take comfort in the truth that I am able to help others in various ways … I guess that’s why I’m still here, separated from my beloved. My spirits, though, do not feel lifted. I continue to feel abandoned by my love … left without his supportive confidence in me … and without his strength and competence in facing and fixing so many needed repairs.  I’m doing my best to remember all that he modeled for me … I fix what I can, and hire when I cannot. I do not leave things undone …

But there is no ‘Rick’ solution for the repairs needed by the world. Perhaps that is why Rick was taken from us … we were all so used to him being there to make things better. I miss him so very much, and know that I am not alone in that … he did so much for so many.

But the many still have their others to be with them and to do for them in Rick’s absence. I have only his absence. And the gap in my life is not one that lets light come in; rather, it is more like a deep, dark crevasse, filled with shadows of memories and echoes of longing. Each bright morning, I see clearly that he is still not here. I am still without him. I am still alone.


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